Regaining Trust When Trust is Lost

 Trust – it’s a necessary ingredient to any fruitful relationship but it’s of particular importance to a leader.   The essence of leadership is about influence, not authority. You can make someone comply by force of authority, but to lead, you must have influence – and influence requires trust between the parties.  

Unfortunately, in this broken world we live in, trust is often compromised.   Spouses betray each other, politicians lie, public figures disappoint.  

As leaders, we may find ourselves in a place where trust has been compromised.  Perhaps we’ve disappointed others by our behavior or words.   What can we do to restore trust when trust is broken?   

Before we get to that, let’s explore what it means to trust.   There are two dimensions of trust – character and competence.  

Character speaks to the attributes, values and motivations of the person or institution.    It raises questions like the following -

“Is the leader humble?”

“Is she kind?”

“Is he a man of integrity?”

“Does the institution pursue truth?

It surprises some to hear this but character alone is not enough to secure trust.   You also have to be competent.   When you trust someone, you are confident, not simply in their intentions and motivations toward you, but also in their advice and their ability to help you.   For example – when you invest trust in your car mechanic, you’re counting on his character - that he will not cheat you by billing you excessively – and on his competence – that he will be able to fix the problem at hand.

So back to our question – what can you do to restore trust when trust is lost?  Here are 4 things to consider:   (Disclaimer: nothing original here – it’s a combination of things I’ve learned from reading, observing and painfully experiencing)

Talk straight – speak honestly and openly.   No spinning the message, no sweeping under the rug.   Invite others to do the same.   Trust cannot be restored when we’re afraid of expressing ourselves to each other.  A leader can facilitate straight talk is by being vulnerable.  Lead the way by letting your guard down.  This is step one in the road to restoring trust.

Confront the brutal truth - acknowledging the truth about a situation is essential to fixing the fundamental problem of mistrust.   That’s why a common complaint about politicians that have lost the trust of the public is that they “just don’t get it”.  One way to face the truth is to let those you’ve wronged to openly give you feedback without retribution or correction.   I’ve been in situations where I’ve lost the trust of individuals even though I haven’t explicitly wronged them.   Yet, in both humility and care for others, I needed to put aside the temptation to defend myself but focus instead on how they have been affected by my leadership.  

Make It Right (as best you can) - Making it right starts with bearing the burdens of others.  Understanding how our leadership (or lack thereof) has affected them.   Sometimes when trust is lost, it’s due to an irreversible situation but if possible, you need to make amends and offer reparations.  It also means proactive mitigation - making the kind of changes that prevent the same situation from occurring again.   Regaining trust requires us answering the question – “what assurances can you offer me that this won’t happen again?“.

Follow Through - Actions speak louder than words.   Those whom you may have wronged - your constituents, followers and friends are looking for results.   Placating them but not following through with actual results will compromise everything else.   It will further disillusion them.    This means both fulfilling commitments made to them and continuing to be accountable to them.   Here’s what I mean - it’s not enough to simply address the problem in the current moment but to continue to humbly inquire if you’re on the right track.   Leaders that restore trust willingly make themselves accountable to those they lead on an ongoing basis.

Final word on this - I've seen good leaders demonstrate this in many different settings and I've tried to practice the same.  I don't know they do it but for me, the impetus and strength to do so is rooted firmly in gospel truth.   

Speaking openly and honestly comes from knowing that there is such a thing as objective truth and that it proceeds from a God of truth for our good. ( Psalm 119:160 , John 17:17 )

Confronting the truth in any situation is easier once you've confronted the cosmic truth that you're a sinner before a holy God.   ( Romans 3:23 ).   

Having the strength to act humbly and courageously emanates from the gospel - that God humbled himself by sending his Son in human form to bear our sins.   ( Philippians 2: 5-8 )

We become motivated to bear the burdens of others when we consider the burden Christ bore for us on the cross and walk in love toward them.   ( Galatians 6:2 )

Quote of the Week

"Satan takes no vacations. The moment we are content in this fallen world, the dangers return - not least the danger of over-contentment. Without being contentious, prepare for conflict; without being combative, equip yourself for the 'good fight' (2 Tim 4:7). It will last at least as long as you live."

D.A. Carson, For the Love of God Vol II, p.30

Quote of the Week

"God's children are strengthened by their falls. They learn to stand by their falls. Like tall cedars, the more they are blown, the deeper they are rooted.''

Richard Sibbes, The Complete Works of Richard Sibbes. Vol 7, p. 222

Personal Accountability Cannot Save Us

Over the past few weeks, Mark Sanford has been in the news for all the wrong reasons. First, he was missing...then, his adulterous relationship was exposed. It was followed by a public apology and Sanford's assertion that his adultery is really a "love story". Mark Sanford is in a load of trouble, not least because he doesn't actually see the error of his ways. He needs to be concerned, not for his political career but for the state of his soul and the well-being of his family...but that's really not the point of this blog post.

Instead, let's discuss what has caught the attention of many - the substance of his apology where he invoked Christian "language" and compared himself to King David.

“I remain committed to rebuilding the trust that has been committed to me over the next 18 months, and it is my hope that I am able to follow the example set by David in the Bible — who after his fall from grace humbly refocused on the work at hand. By doing so, I will ultimately better serve in every area of my life, and I am committed to doing so.”

The editors of New York Times noted this in a commentary entitled God and Mark Sanford. They asked five "experts" including Chuck Colson and LaShawn Barber to comment on Mark Sanford's confession/apology. It's worth checking out the different points of view.

But I found one of the most unintentionally insightful comments to come from Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, who does not subscribe to the Christian faith. Here's what he said -

"The paradox of American evangelicals is that they are Christian on the one hand and political conservatives on the other with utterly opposing views of redemption. Christians believe that no one is blameless and all must therefore ride the coattails of a perfect being into heaven. But conservatives espouse the gospel of personal accountability. The state cannot save them. Man must earn his bread by the sweat of his brow and not by welfare alone."

It's an interesting comment because I think many Christians actually subscribe to this "gospel of personal responsibility". We may erroneously believe that if we own up to our mistakes, put accountability controls in place and try harder next time, we'll be ok. In other words, when it comes to our moral state, we might think that personal accountability can save us....but it cannot. To be sure, accountability is good thing - taking responsibility for our moral failings is foundational to true repentance. And, being accountable to others is wise.

But what we really need is a Savior, not just accountability and earnest confession. Our moral failings are first and foremost against God and apart from the person of Jesus Christ, we have no means of relating to a holy God. True repentance must be directed to Him and it must rest of what Christ has done on our behalf by bearing our sins.

Our weaknesses are greater than can be addressed by personal accountability or accountability groups. We need a Savior every single day to protect and keep us. That's why I love these words from the hymn, "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing" -

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

The real gospel doesn't just feature sin and personal responsibility, it highlights a Savior who has come to save and keep us. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

Conflicts At Work

Fights, conflicts, disagreements – it’s one of the sad realities of the workplace. It’s not only undesirable, it’s actually inevitable when sinners work together...even justified ones. You might work in a relatively peaceful environment but you’re never free from conflict. It seems to me that there’s a fair amount of conflict and disagreement at my workplace in recent weeks. Mind you, not the kind that’s destructive or irreparable - just more than desired or productive. Perhaps it’s a result of stress - business is tight, projects are critical and sometimes it seems like there’s no room for error.

Why do these conflicts occur? James 4 offers one possible reason -

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.

James is saying that many fights and quarrels arise from selfish desires and from inner conflict within our hearts.

But that's not the case for every conflict. Sometimes, one or all parties in a conflict may well-intended, yet may respond sinfully in other ways. For instance, in arguing for our position on an issue, are we being dismissive of other points of view? Are we failing to acknowledge the contribution of our colleagues? Worst still, could we be sinfully judging our co-workers by assuming ill-motive on their part?

How should we respond? Better yet, how should I respond in the midst of my situation? Here are a few questions I’m pondering for my part –

How can I speak more gently when all my tendencies are to the contrary?
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

How can I encourage my co-workers by speaking hope rather than despair?
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14

How have I contributed to conflict by my lack of leadership or poor example?

How does this challenge help me see more clearly my insufficiency and spur me on to count on the sufficiency of Christ?

The Gospel and Authentic Leadership

It can hardly be called a groundswell, but over the past couple of years, there has been an increasing appreciation for authenticity in leadership.    Harvard Business School professor, Bill George has been at the forefront of this discussion.   His book, True North: Discover Your Authentic Leadership promotes the idea that effective leaders are first and foremost, authentic leaders.  Leaders with character, rather than simply charisma.   In this HBS podcast interview, he discusses some of the concepts in his book.  

I think Bill George is absolutely correct about the importance of authentic leadership.   However, I'd like to extend the discussion in a specific way by suggesting that it is the gospel that truly and ultimately brings authenticity into our lives and hence into our leadership.  

The lack of authenticity in life or leadership stems from our fallen nature.   We seek to obscure who we are, consciously or otherwise, because we find it difficult to confront our own fallen state.   As David says in Psalm 51 - "For I know my transgression, and my sin is ever before me... Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me". 

Without the remedy of the gospel, we have no recourse.   But in the gospel, we discover the both the gravity of our moral failure and the power of God's gracious love for us.    We are freed to love and serve others rather than to live for ourselves.    We are freed to lead, based on what is right rather than what is popular.   We are freed to fight injustice at great cost to ourselves because we have a eternal treasure in Christ that transcends our experience in this life.   Most importantly, when we fail, perhaps even in being honest or authentic, we can dispel guilt by remembering the work of Christ on our behalf.

For our sake, he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.    (2 Corinthians 5:21)

Here's the point - authenticity means being who you were really meant be.   The effect of Christ's saving work restores us to our Maker and frees us to be, exactly who we were created to be.   Want to be an authentic leader?  You might want to start by believing and applying the gospel daily.

Sounding Off

If you're a fan of the Washington Redskins, you might have been following this week's saga about running back, Clinton Portis. CP voiced his displeasure over getting benched in last week's loss to the Baltimore Ravens, making his complaint known very publicly in an interview with a local sports talk radio show. Naturally, coach Jim Zorn wasn't particularly happy about this - he would have preferred that Portis' issues would first be brought to him before being publicly expressed. Clinton's response - "he's just expressing his opinion"

Now, it's easy to dismiss this as another episode from a spoiled professional athlete. But, have you ever done something like that? Maybe you didn't express your frustration over talk radio but what about complaining over the water cooler with a few of your colleagues? Have you ever had a problem with your boss but instead of speaking directly with him, you chose to express your "opinion" with others? Here's another twist - do you find it easier to fire a terse email rather than to speaking directly with the person concerned?

If so, you're like many of us. It's so easy to see the foolishness in Clinton Portis' response, but not quite as easy to acknowledge similar sinful behavior in ourselves. Aren't you glad that God doesn't judge us in the same manner that we judge others? This isn't about condoning Portis' actions or response - it's about how we can use the his poor example as a window into our own sinful hearts... and through repentance and faith toward God, change the way we communicate at work.

Eliot Spitzer, Us and the Grace of God

I've held off blogging about Eliot Spitzer, in part because much of the initial reaction from the mass media was unprofitable and salacious. However, when a number of men gathered at my home for an accountability meeting last week, we took opportunity to briefly discuss it.

Unlike what was communicated on news channels all week long, at our meeting there was no gloating over a powerful, arrogant man who simply "got what he deserved". There was no self righteous musing over how someone so smart could "self destruct" so publicly. We didn't wonder how the former crusading governor known as "Mr Clean", could have lived a double life.

We didn't do that because we simply know better - we know ourselves and we know the nature of sin. We understand that we're more like Eliot Spitzer than we'd like to acknowledge. We're aware of the deceitfulness of sin and our propensity as fallen men to wander from the grace of God. We know that it's the grace of God that keeps us from self destructing. As one of the men in our group said - "That could be me, it could be any of us...it's God's mercy that He rescued us from the penalty and power of sin...it's God's grace that keeps us in Him and keeps us from falling..."

The meeting gave me much to think about. I'm grateful for men who speak words of gospel truth to me - reminding me of how the grace of Jesus Christ has shed light upon my darkened heart. It is also evidence of God's kindness to us as Christians. When God places us in the community of a church, He does so to protect us and care for us.

Don't you wonder how different it might have been for Eliot Spitzer if he had the benefit of such grace? Last week, amidst much of the news about Spitzer, this is what I read from Psalm 32:1

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,
whose sin is covered.
Blessed is the man against whom the LORD counts no iniquity,
and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

Eliot Spitzer had so much - power, career, fame, wealth. However, as far as we know, he didn't possess what was most important - he didn't have sins covered, a clean conscience and peace with God. Perhaps we should pray for him, that through this trial, he might be drawn to the One who offers these priceless mercies.

Quote of the Week

“Only by seeing our sin do we come to see the need and wonder of grace. But exposing sin is not the same thing as unveiling and applying grace. We must be familiar with the exponents of its multifaceted power, and know how to apply it to a variety of spiritual conditions. Truth to tell exposing sin is easier than applying grace; for, alas, we are more intimate with the former than we sometimes are with the latter. Therein lies our weakness.”

Sinclair Ferguson